Dear Friend,

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Every year, for the past twenty-five years, I have made a tour of the Pacific Northwest and the Southern states delivering sermons and lectures on the evils of drinking.

On these tours, I have been accompanied by a young man named Phil Langman, a man of good family and excellent upbringing. However, Phil was a pathetic example of a life ruined by hard liquor and wild women. Mr. Langman would appear with me at a lecture and sit on the platform wheezing, staring at the audience through bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas, making obscene gestures and fondling himself, while I would point him out as an example of what overindulgence can do to a person.

Unfortunately, a couple months ago, Phil passed away. A mutual friend has given me your name and I wonder if you would be available to take Phil's place with me on this next year's tour? Please get back to me on this.

Yours in the faith,
/s/ Reverend Millard W. Farnsworth, Evangelist